Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
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My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Best spoiler warning ever
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.