Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.