For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.