My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.