*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse