13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.