Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
You Might Also Like
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
stand with me against insufficient seating
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.