When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies