Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
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If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.