For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
happy mother’s day❤️
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I have a new favorite meme page