If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
You Might Also Like
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
This is Sparta
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what