Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You Might Also Like
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.