dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
This one’s “Alex”.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough