I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
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Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car