[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say