I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
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ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol