Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
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I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
This is my brand.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.