When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
You Might Also Like
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows