All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Bread puns are on the rise!
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.