if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
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them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America