When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
guilty
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
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