3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
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*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.