Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.