Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
watergate? u mean a dam??
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.