I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.