[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
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At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.