Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.