Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you