“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose