Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose