Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
wtf management?!
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.