I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
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While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao