No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]