72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
#ProTip
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”