I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood