Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Reporter: *ports again*
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”