Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
get you a girl who
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.