Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Why is no one talking about this?!
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.