Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
You Might Also Like
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Good advice.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*