Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
You Might Also Like
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan