I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
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@funTweeters
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I think this cat is broken
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.