Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
You Might Also Like
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Who does Amazon think I am?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store