Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe