Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
No regrets in 2018
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.