If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
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[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
bad news gang
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy