THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…