Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.