Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
You Might Also Like
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My rap name is When i$ Lunch