Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The Weeknd is back
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.