Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
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Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.